So yesterday I had a doctor's appt, and Ian came home early so he could watch the baby. He didn't have to, I've just been really stressed out with Mal lately because he's been teething and not a happy camper. Anyway, Ian wanted to help me out cause he's amaaaaaaazing like that. He got home, and I left for the doctor's office. It turns out that the address and office the insurance company gave me was in fact a clinic and the doctor who is on my insurance card just does rotations there. I was a little put off at this, just because I didn't want to be at a clinic since I wanted to have a personal doctor and not just a random one each time.

I asked which doctor I would be seeing to see if it happened to be the doctor who my insurance referred me too and it turns out it was some other doctor. The receptionist couldn't even say his name right, so I didn't even know what his name was.

After waiting nearly an hour, they finally called me in and the nurse asked me questions, weighed me, blah blah blah. I was there to get bc, so there was no need for me to get naked or anything (THANK GOD) so the nurse left me and said the doctor would be in there soon.

The doc came in, and he's this creepy looking guy with an accent that is so thick I can't even tell you what kind of accent it was. I couldn't understand ANYTHING he said, and I had to ask him to repeat himself a lot. He read on my chart that I just had a baby and he keeps telling me I need a pap smear. I just said that I just came in to get birth control and that I didn't want a pap smear. He then asked if I was breastfeeding. Right after he asked, his eyes DELIBERATELY went down from my eyes to my boobs. I felt really creeped out, but if this was all that happened I wouldn't have given it any thought.

He asked me a few more questions and then asks me AGAIN if I'm breastfeeding, and AGAIN he blatently stares at my tits. I responded, and he gets his shit together and stands up to leave. As he's leaving, he places his hand on my lower back, pats it and said, "The nurse will be in with you shortly". As he's saying that, rubs my back and then moves from my back to my thighs in a really fucking creepy way, and then he leaves the room.

Needless to say, I was freaking the fuck out. I texted Ian that I was really uncomfortable and that I felt the doc touched me inappropriately. Ian started freaking the fuck out and told me to get home.

I got home, and I'm crying and just weirded out but mostly relieved that he didn't do anything else. Ian wanted to drive over there and kill the guy, but instead we just called our insurance company and the police. An officer came over last night to hear what I had to say and is now doing a "sexual battery investigation".

blehlhearhaierhuaaagghhhh. I'm so disgusted.

I want to learn to speak French.

-nods-

I really can't wait until I get my Nikon D60. I'm really excited about doing something with photography since it's always been an interest of mine. I think I get it from my Lolo...he loved taking pictures. I used to have one of his old cameras. I don't know what happened to it. My mom gave it to me. It disappeared in one of the moves. I should find that.

I think I'm just really excited to do something with my life. I love being a mommy. I really do! I think I just need to break away from the monotony. It'll be a lot easier once he gets older.

Still. I want to learn to speak French and I want to take pictures.

I keep having dreams of the world ending.

2012 never really scared me. But now it does.

Go away.

yep. that's what i have.

Whenever I think about it, I get really sad.

It's hard to believe how different my life was a year ago from today. Don't get me wrong, I am the happiest I've ever been. Ever. I wouldn't change anything if given the opportunity.

Still, I can't help but think, wtf happened to my best friend?

I guess I shouldn't be surprised...this isn't the first time I've felt abandoned by you. There was that whole, "hey let's move to Riverside, just kidding let's not" thing, which maybe I still haven't forgiven you for, when it comes down to it. I don't want to say that you were never reliable because that would be a lie. I don't want this to sound like I'm pointing the finger of blame anywhere, because I'm just trying to get all of this out and off my chest.

I hate that things happened this way. I'm sure you'll claim it all started with everything that happened with Mike, but that's not the case. I still loved you and I still considered you my best friend. And then I got pregnant. You were there when I found out. You were one of the only people I wanted there, and one of the select few that I would've shared every last detail with. But after that day, everything just kind of stopped on your end. That was the end of us, and I really can't understand why.

I know that you know that I wouldn't have done the same to you. Had you been in that situation, I would have done everything I could have to help you and to be there for you, and you know that. I can't for the life of me figure out why it was so different for you! I don't know what I did.

You say that you always feel like I am judging you. Or that I made you feel self-conscious. I don't think that should be pinned on me. I think you are actually very self-conscious deep down, and something about me brought that out. Maybe sometimes I came off like I was always telling you what to do, and I guess I can kind of see how you would feel that way. But when it really came down to it, I was sick of hearing everyone talk badly about you and I knew you didn't want that either, as much as you pretend that you didn't care. And everyone can say that I am making shit up when I say everyone said mean things about you, but I know that I'm telling the truth and I would never make these things up just to hurt you. Ultimately, it comes down to me trying to protect you, whether you believe that or not. And I am sorry for that. I'm sorry that you felt like I was trying to change you in any way, shape, or form to make you more acceptable to everyone else. That was never what I wanted to do.

When it comes down to it, I guess I just feel betrayed, and abandoned. After all the angry things I've said about you to Mike and Ian, it all comes down to me being heartbroken that I've lost someone who used to be the closest thing I had.

You told Mike the last night I was in town that you wished I was at JR's dance party. And yet, when you came to my house to pick up Nathan, you barely even said goodbye to me.

Our lives are so different now and I know that we'll never ever ever be how we were, but in order for me to move on and continue living a happy life I had to get all of this out.

It still really breaks my heart, but I know that in time I will be okay.

The love of my life

sex complicates everything

my so called best friend came over today to burn cds with me and then to eventually make/get food. surprise surprise, nathan asked her to lunch so of course she goes with him and ditches me. i have no car. this really fucking sucks and i just want to cry because it shouldn't be this way.

I take one one one cause you left me
and two two two for my family and
three three three for my heartaches and
four four four for my headaches and
five five five for my loneliness and
six six six for my sorrow
seven seven nnnnnnnnnnnoooo tomorrow and
eight! eight! i forget what eight was for! and
nine nine nine for a lost god!
ten ten ten for everything everything everything!

my car insurance isn't going to pay for my car.
i'm screwed.

my boss called me today and basically told me that i have to decide whether or not i'm going to stay at hot dog. she can tell that i am overwhelmed and that my job is no longer something fun for me...and it's turned into something i dread.

i think i got too caught up in partying. and it needs to stop. time to get back to being an adult.

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

It's funny when you find out that people are actually horrible.
Especially people you thought were close to you.

sometimes i wish that i could make everybody happy. but i know i can't.

why do i have to be such a control freak?

Last night was amazing.

There's a little caboose that's on one track in the middle of the desert. Why it's there, I don't know. But it's there. Mike told us about it the other day when we all went shooting and Kellee and I had this burning desire to party in this alleged "caboose". So, we talked Mike into going last night and rounded up some people and went. Let's see, it was me, Kellee, Jessica, Mike, Chris, Nathan, Tessa, Matt, Tessa's friend from Idaho, and for a little bit Sam, Kirsten and Jeremy showed up. We had beer, Rum, and Tequila, two guitars and a yukelale. That's how Google told me to spell that word. It looks awful. Anyway. It was a brilliant night. This caboose had a bunch of graffiti on the inside and outside. It looked as if it had been burned. There was a ladder to get up to the roof and we all laid on top and gazed at the stars. It was a perfect night. We sat around singing songs while me, matt and tessa played guitar. we had some really great conversations, all propelled by the alcohol, of course. I really want to go back, but the idea of partying in an abandoned caboose that's in the middle of the desert doesn't really appeal to most people. I know that Jeremy was really upset at the idea, which is why he left early. Whatever. I was pretty scared at first, but the place grows on you once you realize that there's nothing out there and that murderers and rapist would have to drive pretty far to kill/rape someone. I dunno, I'm a big chicken and I was only scared for a second.

Matt said something last night that made me think a lot. We were all on top of the caboose. The boys were talking about how great he and Tessa are together and he says something along the lines of, "You know, I've dated girls here and there but I've never really had a long term relationship until Tessa. The reason why we work out so well is because she is happy without me. She is just a happy person, and it's not like she comes home all bummed but gets happy once I'm around...no. She's just happy with or without me."

It made me think a lot about my relationship with Steven. The problem was, I was happy without him. I was happy hanging out with Hannah and Kellee. I was happy drinking at Booza Palooza or a party here and there. I was happy smoking cigarettes and talking with the people I love and care about. I could never do those things with Steven. There always had to be a problem. That's when I realized that I could be happy without Steven, because I was happy without him our entire relationship. He brought me down. He was the one trying to constantly change me to create a new and "improved" Alyssa.

I've been kinda quiet about the whole Steven thing, mostly because I'm just trying to forget about it. But if I'm taking anything away from that relationship, it's not going to be anger or bitterness. It's going to be that I learned a valuable lesson from it. I am happy being myself. Right now, I am so happy because I had the greatest night of my life last night and I am constantly surrounded by wonderful, amazing, fun people. I'm sick of being upset and sad about the situation with Steven. Every time I think about it, I get this awful feeling in my stomach and I want to cry, but I haven't. I've been trying hard to be strong, or at least make people think that I am, but it has been hard. Especially lately. But now I know that if I want to be with anybody else, I need to be myself and have them accept for me for everything I am. I am a smoker, a drinker, I burp a lot, I am loud and obnoxious sometimes, I am crazy, I am a spaz, and that is okay with me. I do not want to depend on someone to make me happy, and I don't want someone to depend on me to be happy.

I hope this entry made sense. My mind is scattered right now.

I have been having the strangest dreams lately.

I'm not too sure if it's the fact that I'm having weird dreams, or the fact that I'm remembering them. I usually don't remember dreams.

I'm trying to decide going to bed drunk or high every night has any cause in this matter.

hmmmm.

Is it wrong to decide to just be friends with him?

Or should I completely cut him out of my life?

I have a broken heart.

and it sucks.

Alyssa got dumped.

So, here I am at Kellee's place listening to the boyfriends play Guitar Hero and being jealous that I am not as good as they are.

Last night was loads of fun. I love coming over here for drunken nights of fun and karaoke. When they whip out Guitar Hero though, that's when I get bored. Hannah and Brad joined us and later on in the night Sara Bean walked over (really random, but I loved it!). I hadn't seen her in awhile so I was really happy to see her.

Thomas called me. Or did I call Thomas? Oh yeah, that's right. I called Thomas because Kellee wanted to get Nathan's number since he lives close. He didn't have it, but we talked for a bit. Turns out he was riding his bike near Kellee's so we invited him over. I was really drunk and told him that Ashley wasn't invited because she hated my cousins. I think I said something along the lines of, "Yeah you can come over, but Ashley can't because she hates my cousins and they're here right now and I don't feel like dealing with that". Surprisingly enough, he didn't get mad. He actually laughed.

Later on he called and said he didn't understand my directions so he just went home. He told me that he loved me though, which was weird. Still, I feel better because of what I said and it didn't really get a bad reaction or anything. I guess all I did really though was just state the truth. I dunno, I just feel better.

I think I'm gonna go to Victoria Gardens with Kellee and Chris today. Every time I go there though I think about my first date with William...and how awkward it was.

I really love coming over here. The puppies are so cute and fun to watch!

I feel like a bitch. All this time I'm thinking that I'm right and Steven's wrong. My boyfriend is a saint for putting up with my shit for so long. A bloody saint!

He is not my dad. Living here is not like it was living at my parent's house. I am still stuck there. I am still scared and worried and feeling like I'm not good enough. Why? Why do I do that to myself?

Steven showed me last night that he is fucking smart as hell. Either that or he can just read people pretty well. Either way, I totally did NOT see that coming from him, of all people. All he had to say was this: "I don't know why you never feel like you're good enough to do anything. I blame it on your parents. I'm not your dad, babe. This is not your parents house. I think you're still there in your mind."

I'm so mean to him. Every time I get mad I always threaten our relationship. Most of the time it just blurts out..."word vomit", if you will. I don't even think about how hurtful it is to him. I've been so selfish and caught up in my own feelings to realize what I was doing to him.

Well, after the conversation that we had last night I am feeling pretty confident that we are on the right track. He and I are soooooo different and the way we were raised was sooooooo different. But I don't think I'd like to use that as an excuse for why we break up. If we break up (which I hope we don't) I would hope that it's just because we've grown apart and are going our seperate ways. The "being different" excuse is such a cop out to me because everyone is different. At least try to make it work.

It was pointed out to me by Sarah that people are often not very open minded to change. I'd like to think that I am, however I've discovered that I too am a "creature of habit" as she put it. That is probably why Steven and I haven't been getting along too well lately. and all this time I was blaming it on HIM not being open minded. That goes against everything I THOUGHT I was! I always say that I try to be open minded to when I'm doing something wrong, or that I'm not afraid to admit when I'm wrong...and I'm not most times. But this time, I was. I was being a bitch and blaming him for everything and didn't take the time to look at myself.

After we talked everything through I realized that I am stuck in the past. I don't even know why. I dislike my parents and I absolutely HATED living with them. So why am I choosing to surround myself with negativity? I have it good here. Steven's mom doesn't care what we do, we always have food, water, electricity, etc. So why do I keep looking at the negative?

Don't get me wrong, I would still like to move out with Kellee. In fact, I'm planning on it. But that has more to do with my independence than not liking it here.

Anyway, I will conclude this by saying that I love my boyfriend. He understands me a lot better than I ever thought he did. And I am very very lucky. =)

Hello avid readers.

I really hate days off, but at the same time I love them. I feel as if I have nothing better to do but be on the computer all day doing stupid surveys on myspace and burning CDs. On the other hand, I get to sleep in (which is getting harder and harder for me) and play with Sadie all day (which is also getting harder and harder for me, since she's a spaz).

Still, it gives me more time to dwell on things. I really wish I was "doing something with my life". And I guess what I mean by "doing something with my life" I mean going to school. I feel so unproductive...as if all my hard work at HDOS means nothing because of what it is. A fast food job. At the same time, I know I have come a long way in the last couple years.

I'm reading this book right now called "How Full is Your Bucket" and it's basically about positivity and showing respect for people you work with. I'm trying really hard to be a positive influence on these girls at work, but this job means nothing to most of them and they're all relying on mommy and daddy's money to support them. They don't need the job. Plus- I didn't hire most of them, so they're used to previous management. It's just hard because I hate feeling like a doormat, but at the same time I don't want to be someone I'm not. I am not a hardass bitch who knows what they want. I am a scared mousy girl who has a big mouth when she's with her friends. I just don't want to be overcompensating for whatever it is that's lacking. If I start trying to act like Martha, then they'll know it's not me and they'll take advantage of it. But if I do things my way, I feel like they'll walk all over me.

I know I was given this management position for a reason. I just need to stop doubting myself and just go for it. Like I've said before, when things get hard for me I usually just give up. I can't do that now, and I won't.

Welcome back to the world of LJ, Alyssa.

So, mainly what I want to complain about in this entry is how bollocks I think Nick's girlfriend is.

I can't believe that for so long I WAS A GIRL LIKE THAT! Crazy, insecure, jealous, controlling. I'm so glad I've finally come to my senses! Who did I think I was, trying to tell Steven who he can and can't be friends with? Why would I do that to him?

I'm finally realizing how important friends are, and how important it is to have people other than your boyfriend/girlfriend around you. And I can't believe that I went so long telling Steven that he couldn't be friends with certain girls because he used to have crushes on them. What on earth was I thinking!?!?!!!!! Did I seriously turn into one of those girls?!

Well not anymore, because it SUCKS to be on the receiving end of it. Nick can't be my friend anymore because his girlfriend is crazy jealous of me. Whatever. I understand how it is, because not too long ago I was one of those girls too. I guess that's what it takes for me to realize the errors in my ways. Maybe this is what I get for doing this to so many of Steven's girly friends.

It is very frustrating. I love Nick like a brother, and I've always tried to protect him and be there for him. And it sucks now because he feels like he's being pulled in two different directions, and he doesn't know what to do. I feel so bad for him, especially because I am somewhat responsible for putting him in that position.

Well, I told him that if we have to stop being friends in order for him to get things settled with his girlfriend, then that is just fine. Because ultimately, I want him to be happy. It's hard for me to do because he's a really great guy who I love to death and has been one of my best friends for three years now, but I can't stand to do this to him anymore.

Sorry if my thoughts are fuzzy right now, I just have a lot of things going on in this here head of mine.